Autumn

Change is a necessary part of life. It’s the change that let’s us know we’re alive and I’m the first one to admit that I don’t always like it. I’d almost rather be dead (please forgive my dramatic indulgence).

Change has always been difficult for me. I run for cover at the first sign of an unexpected shift in a situation. I will hold on to what I believe is my safe place, digging in with my fingers ’til they bleed. I’m the type of person who likes to settle in and be comfortable in her surroundings. I detest and absolutely dread having to deal with changes not instigated by me.

Right now I am experiencing an unexpected shift and it has shaken me into a state of emotional turmoil that I’m trying very hard to mask. I know I’m going to get through this trial and I know that everything will look better from the other side. Yet somehow knowing this is not helpful.

I like the destination more than the journey. This is probably why life has had to teach me multiple lessons over and over and over again. I am so desperately afraid of exposure that I can not risk a change in the environment that is my shelter.

I know this sounds strange but at the beginning of this year I decided to pretend to be happy-go-lucky and jovial like the sagittarius friends I have known and loved over the years. Anything is better than the emotionally timid, needy and easily stressed cancer that I am. I should have known it was all going a little too well. Now I am faced with a challenge that has brought my true cancer nature to the surface and I’m shaken.

But there is a saving grace.

Once I know that something is inevitable, a calm comes over me and I am able to ride the wave. It has happened before and I know it will happen again. I react much the same way when I find myself on a turbulent airplane.

First I panic, then I decide that I’d rather die in my sleep. Then I do precisely that. I go to sleep. I literally shut off and get through it without having to be conscious of it. I realize now this is my metaphor for life.

Panic…then get through it.

I can do this.